Healing My Childhood. Breaking the Family Pattern

All these years, I used to think my pain came from the relationships I chose as an adult. But the more I look inward, the more I realized I was reenacting the emotional dynamics I learned as a child with my parents especially with my mother. The need to please others, the fear of not being enough, and the silence I kept to myself when I needed care, everything started there.

I grew up in a household where my parents’ roles were switched: my mother was the breadwinner and my father stayed home as a house husband. My mother worked at a textile and garment factory and with her commute, she was gone for 12 hours a day. Her schedule rotated weekly, meaning she never had a consistent routine like most of us. That also explained her crankiness and the angry, cussing words she’d throw at me whenever I came close to her.

Despite being so busy, she always had a strong desire to look beautiful. She bought a lot of nice clothes and dresses, just never had anywhere to wear them. I sometimes wonder if my obsession with beautiful clothes is rooted from her, that I want to fulfill her unfulfilled wishes. All of her clothes were in floral patterns and vibrant colors, like she dreamed of living a life out of a Disney movie.

My childhood seemed normal, like most of my friends. The only slight difference was that I didn’t have many friends since my parents were also isolated from their own friends and relatives. Things started to take a strange turn when I began dating life. My tendency to stay quiet and not share my true feelings, needs, and desires was the cause of many of my failed relationships, if not all of them. My strong people-pleasing trait led to many painful experiences, where people constantly took what I gave, and I kept giving with the hope of receiving love in return. Until one day, I realized I had given so much that I had nothing left. That was when I began to ask myself these questions: "Who am I when I stop performing?" and "When do I no longer try to be what others expect?"

Our adult romantic relationships will play out the drama of our childhoods until we heal our relationship with one or both of our parents. That’s how my healing journey began and it required action. I started noticing my emotional triggers. When I felt overwhelmed, I asked myself: "Is this really about now or is something older being stirred?" I wrote it down. I spoke it aloud. I let it come into the light. I made time for honest solitude.

When my inner critic spoke, I questioned whether it truly belonged to me or whether it was inherited. As I brought these patterns into awareness, I gained the freedom to choose differently. Change happens in the small, conscious choices we make each day. It’s not about becoming someone new, it’s about reconnecting with who we’ve always been, beneath the layers of adaptation. Challenges still arise but they no longer control your self-worth.

I realized that my mother gave me the first chapter but the rest of the book is mine to write. Her influence helped shape me but it no longer defines me. When I stopped seeing her as a symbol and started seeing her as a person, my compassion replaced blame. I also let go of the idea of forgiveness. Oftentimes, when we seek forgiveness from others, it’s because we believe we are right and they are wrong. My mother might not have done the best job as a mom, but it’s not her fault she was born into a broken family. She tried her best but she just lost her battle.

I know she carries a very painful childhood inside, the same way I did, until I recognized and released that pain. I’m still estranged from my mom as I write this. Estrangement in families shaped by complex dynamics is painful but sometimes necessary for healing. But I realize now, I do love her and I don’t try to heal her anymore. Instead, I focus on healing my childhood wounds. Step by step, I’m regaining and discovering my inner strength, the one I had when I was born. And the best way to do that is to become the best version of myself and break the cycle that has been repeated unconsciously, generation after generation.

​

Life is beautiful, and we must live it to our fullest potential, despite the fear and prejudice of those around us. Healing doesn’t happen through rejection, it happens through integration. Through seeing clearly, feeling deeply, and choosing intentionally.

What about you?

Have you ever questioned the emotional patterns you grew up with?
What part of your past are you ready to release?